the end

hey so im going to leave this blog up probably for only a few more weeks. ive kinda failed at updating it and need a fresh new start. hopefully this new one will be more productive and active. the new blog is called Transmutation of the Soul. I hope to just do a little more with it. Anyways, if you want to follow it at all the address to it is www.transmutationofthesoul.blogspot.com. hope all is well and that i can transfer the one follower i have haha.

When I get sick i have time to write.... well more like ramble

sigh.... im sick. well im getting better. but im sick none the less.....

i havent really written anything in a while. mainly because im back at school now. F&M has changed a bit but overall is still the same. The meal plan changes had many people upset at first but now its gotten better. Activities and academics are in full swing... Latin Prose, Antiquity, Modern Physics, and Intermediate Acting Workshop: Presentational, Chamber Singers, Chessmen, F&M Players, The Rover, as well as working in the main Library on campus. It's been a busy few first weeks.... it's no wonder how i got sick so soon. but life is generally good. Fernando, my roommate, is the man, classes are long and rehearsals are longer, but in the end im having fun and its all worth it somehow.

Flushing my system by drinking a half gallon of Turkey Hill raspberry iced tea in 30 min.

Sigh....

Coming into this year i was afraid of three things.

1. Latin Prose 201

After one year of Latin, i still dont understand many many things about the language. And putting a summer between that year of learning and this class..... well to me its a recipe for disaster. and in most respects it has been. my first test was.... well im not going to say how badly i did but it was horrendous.... lets put it that way. BUT.... my professor being the wonderful gracious greek man he is, looks for improvement in his class... and well i really cant do any worse so i can only get better! in some respects my horrible grades are almost comforting.... already ive gotten a b+ on a weekly quiz.

2. Modern Physics 223

Last year.... well two semesters ago i took calc two here at F&M. I really didnt learn anything new.... i knew how to do derivatives and integrals. series were new for me but i only learned them to pass the final. then last semester i took calc three. talk about some mind twisting techniques. I did learn some pretty nifty things in that class including partial derivatives. but the problem with that was i never did my homework. so while i remember a few vital concepts, not much else stuck. and now with a summer of time between then and now.... i was very very afraid the math was going to be over my head in this class. taking a look at the first set of problems i was terrified to see that i didnt immediately understand any of them. a few nights later my friend james (who is a genius) and I sat down for four hours in a library study room and worked out almost every problem. That night i realized that i hadnt "lost my edge" but rather just needed to brush the dust off. i also learned.... well remembered that i am by far not the smartest or most talented person when it comes to math and physics.... so asking for help is going to be necessary. and i just need to accept that. James and i worked again on this weeks problems. he did a brilliant derivation and hopefully i can write it out at the bottom of this.

3. The missing part of me

I was afraid.... of really nothing.... i just didnt want to go back to living without you. sigh... you give me hope. and life. and happiness and so much more. i just love you so much..... its almost pathetic how much i love and need you. sigh.... you truly are the missing piece of me.... i miss you darling....

sigh...

so ive been writing this for much more than a half hour and i still havent finished my drink....

heres that math problem i was talking about earlier.... i think i copied it correctly,

p = mv (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-1/2)

p' = m/2 (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-3/2)*(2 v)/c^2 (v) + m (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-1/2) dv

p' = m (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-3/2) (v^2/c^2 + (1 - v^2/c^2)) dv

p' = m (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-3/2) dv

wow.... that looks horrible.....

It's the Final Countdown....

Driving back from a short stay in Long Island, several things hit me. The first was that my butt was sore yet again from driving for hours on end. It took five and a half hours (two hours too many) to get there and we were approaching three on the way back. I tried to stretch my legs out without looking absolutely ridiculous. It was totally worth it though. almost a full day spent with the two of the most amazing friends a person could have. staying up late watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Laughing at stories of childhood and college at the dinner table.... just a perfectly fun time. I thought to myself i must make this happen again soon.

The second thing that hit me was that I only have two days left before i head back to college. I have been putting this off for as long as i possibly can. the thought that im going back to one of my favorite places in my life.... but leaving my favorite person behind. i know with phone calls, im's, texts and video chats the void will shrink... yet it will still be hard to visit home or have her visit and let her go again and again.... after living this summer my life is different. i view life with new eyes it seems. things i never thought very special have become quite precious to me. things i thought mattered a lot have lost some of their urgency and attention. i find that im focusing on things that will make me happy in the long run as well as short term. thats my new focus in life. is to be happy. and to make those around me happy while maintaining my happiness. there are very few people i will allow myself to make happy at the expense of my own happiness. im trying to realize and actually believe this statement. to make it happen. sigh.... its harder than it seems.

the third and likely the most important thing i realized was that i am growing up. I was able to get us there and home using a few directions and two maps. I just found out a friend several months older than me is engaged and set to be married. And im already thinking about apartments and jobs and such... responsibilities that i wont have to deal with for another few years and yet i cant help thinking about it.i dont know how i feel about these changes... this transition into adulthood. I just feel too young to have these things introduced to me.... marriage.... jobs.... living in different parts of the country. these things scare me... and also excite me. I really have no idea where these thoughts are going. i just know that im going to be happy where ever life takes me.... ill make sure of that.

Jennifer im going to miss you terribly... miss not seeing your physical body every day.... just know i love you and will see you soon. <3

One week.... well by now its actually more like three days... two?

One week. One week is all I have left at my summer job. So much time has past so quickly. One moment I was driving home from school after a very hot and sweaty graduation. The next moment I’m heading back. Three months have past so quickly. I have learned quite a lot these past few months. I have learned things that I could not have discovered in school. The worth of a hard day’s work. The strength to get up every morning and mindlessly do the same thing over an over again. The value of a job in these times of economic hardship. The value of your free time. And most of all…. The value of a person that can motivate you to get through it all. These past three months have also brought out aspects of me that I can’t say I really like. Each day I wake up I have to try so hard to not be instantly negative. Most days I don’t succeed. My coworkers will find anything to complain about and I feel that seeping into my life and my mannerisms lately…. I don’t like it. I feel bad because it affects the people I’m around more than myself. My family has noticed it for a while and its truly not fair to them. It’s also extremely not fair to my girlfriend of six months…. She’s the rock that gets me through things and I feel that its unfair to always be so negative. So I am sorry. In addition I am going to try my damnedest to become positive.

Friday is not only my last day of work but as I previously said, me and my girlfriend’s sixth month anniversary. :D it truly feels cheesy to say it but its true…. That day is a day of endings and beginnings… a door closes and another one opens… well kinda… I think I should probably be shot for using that cliché. :P anyways… I know in the grand scheme of things 6 months aren’t that long at all…. It doesn’t even feel like 6 months…. Which Im hoping is a good sign hehe…. Well the point is…. Happy anniversary three (or two depending on how you look at it….) days early. <3

Ramblings spanning two days

I realize no one is probably ever going to read this blog. Its almost comforting to know that. Its virtually impossible to just happen to come across it. I basically have to give someone the url to see it. And i like that. I like that i can write what i want without caring what other people think. i like that i can be myself without having to conform to fit into people comfort zones. Now for the miniscule amount of people who will read this, i dont mean that i will be cursing out anyone or making incredibly obscene comments. it just means i am allowing myself to write without hesitation.... meaning i can put an emoticon without feeling bad, or not capitalizing my "i"s or using apostrophes. :) i like that freedom. Society pressures us to be so formal in our writing (esp. if youre in college) yet we speak every day in the bastardized vernacular of this language we call english. My girlfriend's class "theme" or "statement" was "What are we Waiting For?", yet as one of her teachers pointed out it should be "For What are we Waiting".... since a sentence should never end with a Preposition. Normally i would agree but in this blog.... i couldnt care less :) So i hope you few who read this are not offended by my lack of correct grammar and punctuation. thats just how a roll ;)

Sorry that i went off on a bit of a tangent. like most of these blogposts i really dont have much of a purpose. basically i just wanted to explain my place of employment of the summer for posterity's sake. I work at an ice cream warehouse right now. at the beginning of the summer i was working 6:30-5 but now work 8-5 everyday. the days seem endless but i see the end in sight and i cannot wait. this job has taught me many things, as any job should. most importantly it has taught me the worth of a good education, how lucky i am to be getting one, and to work hard at college to avoid working here for the rest of my life. not to say its a bad job. i mean hey... its a job. and in this economy i have to take what i can get. but really i wouldnt be able to do it for the rest of my life. i feel so trapped as it is right now. well ive rambled enough for one post.

Quarters in a Time Capsule

Walking the boardwalk i was instantly transported back to 7 years ago when i last was with my family at the beach. How much things have changed. Yet somethings have not. The wonderful store Only Yesterday stands true to its name, selling all sorts of magazines, comic books and little knickknacks from yesteryear. The two amusment parks, Wonderland and Castaway Cove, still have many of the same rides i remember going on as a kid. Me and my brother have already decided we're going to ride the gravitron just for old times sake (to which my mother rolled her eyes). And oh the classic Jilly's Arcade. Many hours of fun were had in there. The boardwalk brags of many arcades yet none have the selection of Jilly's. The games that alway got me were the pinball games. With a fistful of quarters, my brother and i roam free to play whatever our hearts desire and our pockets can afford. Some games are new. Some i remember seeing long ago. The reason i love the pinball games so much is because to me there is no other game that provides such a wonderful time for such a small price. Three balls for a quarter. My brother and i played House of the Dead for 50 cents each and were dead in 45 seconds. But a pinball game... well, you decide how long you can play. There is always a bit of luck to it but there is so much more skill needed than compared to say Tekken or Wave Runner. I think thats why i was always attracted to them. A game that could go on for as long as you want... if you were good enough. Walking up to my first pinball game in years, i put the quarter into the slot and the screen came to life. It was a LOTR pinball game. Very cool, i thought to myself. It was a newer one but obviously had a little bit of wear to it. Good.... not a maiden voyage. The flippers were smooth. Not much delay to them. The spring could have been a little tighter but nothing really to complain about. I pulled the lever back and let the ball soar. I flicked the flippers maybe a total of 5 times before i lost my ball. Damn... I must have lost my touch, i thought, though i never really had much skill to lose in the first place. Several games later i found i was humming the song Pinball Wizard by The Who to myself as i regained whatever touch i had lost. I also love how a pinball game can fit so many stories and smaller objectives into one game. In the Lord of the Rings game i was addicted to, i had to defeat a balrog, try to collect all the rings of men, dwarfs, and elves, light the palantir, collect 5,000 souls, and many other sub-quests, all while trying to secure a high score. Its just very entertaining to me. Walking away from the game i was challenged to two games of air hockey. The first was against my brother... which i lost.... badly. The next was against my mother, which i won. There was a rematch to both games to which the results were repeated. Its interesting to note though that my mother had beaten my brother on several occasions... so where did that place me? After two hours (it only felt like a half hour at the most), we left from the arcade. I smiled looking back. It was good to be a kid again.

Hansel and Gretel Would Approve

I find it slightly funny that the first thing that comes into my head in what to write as my first post is an explanation as to what this blog is about.... the purpose of it i suppose. Hmmm.... what is the purpose... Well i suppose the main reason i have decided to start a blog is more of a documentation of my life in the next few years. I feel things changing all around me and i want to have sort of a written record... a journal i suppose of the events that will come to shape my future. In a few weeks i am returning to Franklin and Marshall College in Lancaster Pa to resume my studies for the beginning of my sophomore year. Im majoring in Physics. Thats the reason i guess when we come down to it.... where am i going to end up? i hope to show the journey a bit through these posts. Will i actually graduate with a physics degree? Where will i go from there? Grad school? Job? Become a teacher? .... all in all the purpose of this blog is to be the bread crumbs that can always lead me back to the beginning.